PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
