period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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