i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
