at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
