if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
