According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
