Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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