Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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