it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
