hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
