i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
