I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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