My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
