He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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