Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
tell me about the fingering
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
