I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
