You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
