And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
