I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
