it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
