I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
