From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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