he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
