I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
