The maid of honor just puked.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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