I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
