marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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