If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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