i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
