We're facebook friends in real life
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
