Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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