trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
They have beer where we have blood.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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