Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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