my phone needs a breathalizer
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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