I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
