Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
