I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
