I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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