If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Welp...herpes.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
