she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Randomize
