I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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