Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
