i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My vagina is officially offended.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
