Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
