you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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