Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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