do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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