New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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