remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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