I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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