hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
